If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Bookworms take shelfies.
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
"Read between the wines."
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
I’m browsing the winter-net.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
"I need to re-wine my life."
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
You knead me in your loaf.