My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
"Partners in wine."
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.