Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Young goats should be careful when they're out and and about and shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.
That's how you get kidnapped.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
I have a heart-on for you.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.