Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
You are spud-tacular.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
"You can't beat me."
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!