Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
You’re right up my alley.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.