I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
I call the shots.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.