How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
We like to paddy.
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.