What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.