What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
Hold on for deer life.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.