Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet