In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
I followed my heart to you.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews