My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
You’re right up my alley.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.