What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!