My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
"Read between the wines."
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
"Eggs love you."
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
Nothing really mattress.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.