I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Dublin over in laughter.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
"Aloe you vera much."
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.