Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
"I wood never leaf you."
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.