How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
I beacha miss summer already!
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
You octopi my thoughts.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
I have bean thinking about you.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
Calm before the score
In Ireland, I call the shots.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter