I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".