What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
Bookworms take shelfies.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
You’re brew-tiful!
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?