What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.