What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
Come witch me to the party.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.