A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
Up to snow good.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”