I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
"On cloud wine."
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.