What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
The boot black brought the black boot back.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.