Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
He’s my pinch charming.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
I love you berry much.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.