Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
You’re udder-ly perfect.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
"Yoda one for me."
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?