How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.