What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
Bookworms take shelfies.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
I told you snow.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.