How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
You have goat to be kidding me.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
Whatever coats your boat.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!