“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
We bee-long together.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.