Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
You make miso happy.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
This is snow laughing matter!
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
I have bean
thinking about you.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."