What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
Icy what you did there.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.