Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
Some bunny loves you.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.