Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Every piece of you is sweet.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
She sells seashells by the seashore.