What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Sips getting real.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
I think you’re dandelion.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
People are always after me lucky charms.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.