Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
How rude-olf of you.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
I yam what I yam.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.