A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
That’s a bit mulch.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
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One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!