What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”