“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
Don't fork-get your manners.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.