What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control