Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.