What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.