My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
"I make pour decisions."
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
You're so clover!
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies