My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.