Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
Rudder valve reversals
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
This foundation is rock salad.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
Every piece of you is sweet.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!