I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
"Have a hoppy Easter."
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”