THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Why did the cat invest in the stock market? He thought is was a good op-paw-tunity
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
It’s a winterful day!
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.