What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
I’ll always be running-back to you.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
Bookworms take shelfies.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
I only have ice for you!
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
Summer is just floating by.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
See snow evil, hear snow evil.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Up to snow good.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
You’ve been working too yard.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.