What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
"Having a good hare day."
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
I'm acorn-y person.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.