What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
"You make me egg-static."
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Dublin over in laughter.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
Dublin over in laughter.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork