Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
Have you botany plants lately?
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
Whatever floats your goat.
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
I think therefore I yam.
Pirates Private Property.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!