My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
I’m feelin’ pine.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
Sorry, I'm octopied.
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.