Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
"Here for the right riesling."
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.