Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
"That's all, yolks."
Have you botany plants lately?
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
"Aloe you vera much."
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.