How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
That’s a bit mulch.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.