What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.