Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
All things must grass.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.