What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
"Be kind, re-wine."
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.