Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.