What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.