I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.