What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
"Be kind, re-wine."
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.