How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."