"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
Broken pencils are pointless.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
"Happy eggster."
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
Your love will always be up to par.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Your presents is requested.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
Football is one habit I will never kick
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.