I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
Up to snow good.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
French, French Revolution