What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
"Rosé all day."
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!