They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.