What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
Thank brew very much.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.