My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.