What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
You're the ruler of my heart.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
Water you doing?
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
Join us for plenty of play action.
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.