Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
My weekend is fully booked.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Witch you were here.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.