Avoid pier pressure.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
I’m feelin’ pine.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.