What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
I call the shots.
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.