Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
Your presents is requested.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
You met all of my koala-fications
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
I read dead people.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.