Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
Rudder valve reversals
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.