A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
To get to the other tide.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
Don't get tide down.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
I can sea clearly now.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”