Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
I like you a latke!
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.