What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
I followed my heart to you.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
"Some people have no guts."
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
Fishing you a happy day.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
"Adulting makes me wine."
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.