It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
"No eggs-cuses."
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.