Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.