My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
How Rudolf you to say that!
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."