Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.