Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
We have great chemis-tree.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.