When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
This is snow laughing matter!
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
Best in snow.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.