Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
I think therefore I yam.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!