A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
I can heartly wait to see you.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.