My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
A trip to Ireland is quite a cliffhanger.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.