BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
I read dead people.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
Dublin over in laughter.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
How Rudolf you to say that!
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.