Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar