Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.