Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
Life is brew-tiful!
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
I'm pine-ing for you.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Go big or go gnome.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!