What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
"Yoda one for me."
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!