My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Live to tell the tail.
Tropic like it's hot.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
You’re the queen of my heart.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones