I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
"That's all, yolks."
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
You’re my heartthrob.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk