There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
You met all of my koala-fications
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.