How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
Let’s get elf-ed up.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Seas the day!
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
"Sip, sip hooray."
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.