What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
It's ice to meet you.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
I have a heart-on for you.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult