What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
A space fish is usually called starfish.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
I think you’re dandelion.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!