What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
I “lub” you.
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them