How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!