More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
"I wood never leaf you."
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
Just brew it!
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!