An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.