When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
"For peep's sake."
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.