They aren’t gnome for their humor.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".