The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?