Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.