For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
They say everything gets better with age.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.