Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.