Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.