What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
You have goat to be kidding me.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
You’re my pot of gold.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.