We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Car puns are really tiring
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”