What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
You snooze. You booze.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.