What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!