What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
What a spud muffin.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
"Partners in wine."
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
This foundation is rock salad.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!