When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.