What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
Don’t worry, beer happy.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
Don’t be elfish.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!