What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
More candles means a bigger wish!
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.