You’re my pot of gold.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Beach you to it.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.