What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
"No eggs-cuses."
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
Up to snow good.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.