Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!