Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.