What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
Stay true to your shelf.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
I only have ice for you!
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.