How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
To get to the other tide.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
"Some bunny loves you."
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.