Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Case in punt
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
Dublin over in laughter.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.