What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
This foundation is rock salad.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
"Have a hoppy Easter."
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?