What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
You sleigh me.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
"You make me egg-static."
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate