Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
"Adulting makes me wine."
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.