Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
Girls just wanna have sun!
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!