When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
I'm the life of the paddy.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.