Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.