My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
I've been thinking of U periodically.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.