How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
Seas the day.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.