Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Resting Grinch face.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.