What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
It's ice to meet you.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
You’re unbeleafable.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
"What an egg-citing day."
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.