Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
This is snow laughing matter!
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!