What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
Leaf me alone.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
Paddy like a rockstar.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
Tropic like it's hot.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.