What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
“Feliz navi-dog!”
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!