Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
Rudder valve reversals
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.