How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
Don't get tide down.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!