I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
Did you heard about the zombie crow? He wants to eat your grains.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
Biology - It grows on you.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.