What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!