What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!