Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
I love you from my head tomatoes.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
"Just don't carrot all."
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
I beacha miss summer already!