What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
I hope for world peas.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
Do you comma here often?
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
We make a great pear
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
I’m feelin’ pine.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."