It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
All things must grass.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
The calm before the score
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
"You crack me up."
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
"I wood never leaf you."
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!