What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
Join us for a slice of fun.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.