My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
Your love will always be up to par.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.