What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.