People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
Your love will always be up to par.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
Talk literary to me.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
It’s worth a shot.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!