Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
I “lub” you.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.