In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
Sorry, I'm octopied.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
I love you dairy much.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.