The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
I dig you a hole lot.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.