A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.