What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
"I mead more wine."
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!