What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
Don't worry, bee happy!
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
I always have a souper time with you.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
I think therefore I yam.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
Rock was magma before it was cool.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.