I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.