Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
Get in the swim this summer.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
I beg your garden?
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
You are pitcher perfect.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.